searching for glitter.

I did a lot of soul searching this summer. I wasn’t pondering what I wanted or needed. But, rather, HOW to get it. This surprised me. Where did this unwavering confidence come from? Despite a lot of failed attempts and disappointments, I can still find a way to think positively.

I have always been driven to succeed and in a ridiculous hurry to get there.

When it came time to go to university, I chose Public Relations but, left mid-way through the degree to complete Pastry Arts at the Culinary Institute of Canada.  I am proud of that spontaneous decision to follow my heart and veer off the “plan” I had so carefully crafted for my future. Looking back, that was a huge deal for me. I later returned to finish my Public Relations degree.

Set deep within that decision to explore culinary arts was a girl wanting so desperately to live a creative life.

Every few years, I have this moment of panic when I realize that I need to go out and bathe in artistic expression; making wedding cakes, art college painting classes, food styling degree, freelance writing, starting my own handcrafted clothing company, opening a storefront, blogging… and they all fit; perfectly. I would be content to do any of one of these things full-time. But, the heartbreaking results are always the same; they don’t pay the bills.

Soul searching made me really connect all of these dots. I may have been playing with different mediums of expression; but, the heart of these actions was the same. I will never BE satisfied until I find a way to be me; glitter and all.

Photo courtesy of the insanely talented photographer, Christine Whelan of Wonkyeye Photography.

2 Replies to “searching for glitter.”

  1. Thanks for this post, Amanda! I can really relate to how you’re feeling. After years of planning to go to medical school (and ignoring the niggling feelings that I was having that were making me think it might not be such a good idea) I had to do a lot of soul searching to figure out what it is that I wanted to do (and rid myself of all the ways in which I was caught up with making my parents proud, being “successful,” and having Dr. in front of my name). After spending the last year and a half or so writing, blogging, and doula-ing in whatever spare time I had away from my government job and family, I have recently realized that those things aren’t going to pay the bills and/or afford me the lifestyle that I think I want to lead either. So, I get it. Although I always wonder about the folks who just go for it – who move their families into a smaller home or across the globe and quit their jobs and take out big loans and just go for it. I’m not sure if I’m one of those people though….but I still wonder what’s in the cards…what’s possible….

    1. We are so similar! You are right, I think the key is that it doesn’t “afford me the lifestyle that I think I want to lead”…I want it all damn it! 🙂 Take it from me (who did take a year off work, started a business, took out big loans, and “went for it”) it is harder to pick yourself back up after investing so much of your time and money. I struggle with it every day – what now? Smarter to dabble in it in your spare time.

      Thanks for reading!

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